Dreams of Loss
by Servatia
Summary: A Spones fic I threatened to write. Five chapters, each after some certain point in time, set first in the prime universe and than at the same time in the mirror universe, showing the relationship between Spock and McCoy developing in both of them. Warning: Slash, and in parts very dark. And if I say that it's quite something. Rated M for all the reasons you can think of.
1. Chapter 1

_((NOT a part of the Elements-series! This idea struck me after writing Contractions, but the two are not related. It's all but a one-shot, all of it was written today. No, I didn't do much else. I'll proofread, but we all know such a short time after writing I'm doomed to overlook stuff. Good thing is, now this is done I can actually get started on Water!_

_This, too, is a Spones fic, starting after Mirror, Mirror and moving on until after the five year mission. It will jump between the universes, showing the development of their relationship on either side. Usually, I use italics for telepathy, but here I will use them for the distinction and mark telepathic exchanges with /, which seems to be what a lot of others do._

So, normal font face is our universe, _whereas italics are used for the Mirror Universe._

_There are a few warnings: One is obvious: Slash. Others are violence, sexual assault both real and willed to believe, and a bit of general unpleasantness at the beginning._

_The last is a general hint that this is not an entirely happy story. If you've read some of my fiction you know I never ever write stuff that is depressing for the hell of it, and I won't start here, but most of this will be dark.))_

* * *

Leonard had all but fled the transporter room once they were back home. He felt tainted and had to fight the urge to scratch his own eyes out. That wasn't a healthy impulse, and he knew he had to do something about it. He wasn't a man who ran away from painful truths.

One thing was the sickbay of his counterpart. The thought that there was some part of him that was capable of torture made him physically sick. He barely made it to the bathroom in time, fell to his knees, and lost all the food he had eaten in the none too distant past. When he got back to his feet, his vision darkened for a moment and he had to lean against the wall if he didn't want to fall. 'Damn it. Disgusting fucking bastard.' He stumbled to the sink and washed out his mouth, trying to get rid of the foul taste. The chime at his door made him jump. 'Go to hell!' No answer came, and Leonard assumed that whoever it was had been frightened enough to leave. When he got back into his room, he found that he was wrong. Spock had entered, his expression … yes, he was certain … concerned. A cold shiver ran down his spine and he knew that he hadn't been sick because of his own mirror image.

His vision swam, the man before him suddenly had a beard, held his wrist almost hard enough to break it, and forced himself into his mind with a brutality he hadn't known was possible. He had fought. He had fought with all his faculties, and the other mind had hurled images at him to break him. Images of him being beaten and kicked by this horror version of the gentle Vulcan until he had no strength to struggle. Images of that … that monster ripping his clothes away, slamming him onto a desk and raping him, hard, brutally. He had felt both sphincters tear, had felt blood running down his thighs, had screamed even though he had tried not to … and had yielded, given the information the other had sought. 'Doctor.' Leonard jerked out of his nightmare and realised he had backed away, grabbing a chair he held before him like a wall at some point. But this wasn't the farce of his friend that had attacked him. This was Spock, the real Spock, who refused to hurt anything and only killed when he was forced to. He let the piece of furniture fall and shook his head.

'Please go … I'm … I'm not feeling very well.'

'That is obvious.' The Vulcan frowned, very slightly, but clearly. 'What happened to you? Why are you afraid of me?' He voice dropped, and there was a hint of darkness in it when he spoke again. It chilled Leonard to the core. 'What did I do to you?' The doctor's eyes went wide.

'You? Nothing. You did everything to bring us back here.' A part of him cheered quietly at the fact that he had automatically defended Spock. It meant he wasn't destroyed completely, just hurt. He took a deep breath, fixed his eyes on the Vulcan and took a step closer. There was no point in lying to him. 'The one that hurt me looked like you. But he was completely different.'

'What did he do?' Leonard swallowed hard.

'I … I'd rather not speak of it.'

'McCoy …' There was no threat in the voice. The other had broken Leonard's resistance. This one made it melt.

'He forced a mind meld on me.' Leonard's voice was barely audible. 'He wanted information, I tried to refuse, so he took it.'

'For that, your composure is admirable. Another would have been broken.'

'I feel like I have been.' Spock shook his head. For the first time since Leonard knew him, he didn't wait for permission to sit down but simply took a seat at Leonard's desk. He followed his lead, feeling that this was exactly what he needed: Speak to him, get the reassurance that he was kind, gentle, and not one bit violent.

'If you had been broken, you would not talk to me. You would not have had a moment of weakness as you did before, you would be a mindless animal or a vegetable. There is damage. I am sure of that because you experienced a momentary loss of control. But this damage can be repaired.'

'I'll need counselling, I know. Funny, seeing how I'm the doctor.'

'Counselling will not help you. You need someone to assess the damage to your mind and undo it. I might be able to, but I understand that you will not want this.' Leonard looked up at Spock, his lip quivering.

'He made me see things that weren't real. Will a healer see them?'

'Yes, Doctor. They have to. They will shield you from the experience to prevent you having to go through it again.' A slow, tired smile formed on Leonard's face.

'These are things I don't want you or anyone to see. And while I know that a Vulcan healer would be more than discreet, to think that a stranger would … I need you to do it. No other.'Spock closed his eyes, preparing himself. When he opened them, Leonard expected him to reach over, but he didn't.

'Are you ready?' Leonard shook his head.

'No. I need … I don't know, a week. Or a month.' Spock raised one eyebrow.

'If you had a patient with a femur fracture and they suggested to wait for a week, what would you tell them?' Leonard let out a slightly hysterical laugh.

'Point taken.' He licked his lips nervously, his heart thumping a wild tattoo in his chest. 'Do it, then. Do it before I change my mind.' Fingertips brushed his skin, the touch very light. A ghost of another consciousness touched him.

/Do not be afraid./

/I … I'm not./ Spock's mind was so different. The outward similarity had been frightening, but this being felt nothing like the man who had raped him. Something inside him was being lifted out of his thoughts, wrapped inside the other mind, and for a time – seconds or hours or days, he didn't know – he watched it struggle with what it had to deal with. But none of the pain reached him. Spock withdrew, and when he removed his hand, it was shaking.

'You are a remarkable man, Doctor. Your mind is free. You will always remember and it will still be overwhelming until you had time to heal. But the damage is repaired.' Leonard thought the only reason why his face wasn't beet red was his own stubbornness.

'Thank you.' He smiled but knew it looked bitter. 'Spock, I don't know if I can still face you. Not because of what your counterpart did, but because you know. I'm considering a transfer.' He looked down at the floor. 'I should have told you all that before I let you help me. It was selfish.'

'Sometimes selfishness is the adequate reaction.' That Spock didn't address Leonard's idea to transfer was all the agreement he needed. The Vulcan rose and crossed to the door, but he halted before he left. 'Do you know what he did to you?' Leonard frowned.

'I remember. You knew I would.' Spock shook his head marginally.

'That is not how I meant it. Do you know that what he did has a name?' That managed to cause Leonard to look at the other man again. Was there anger in the unreadable eyes? He couldn't be sure.

'I … I didn't.' The Vulcan pursed his lips and walked back to him.

'Kae-shaya. Mind breaking. He did not merely force a meld on you. He used surface emotions, twisted them into something dreadful, and hurled them at you until you gave under the pressure. A forced meld is, in our universe, punished severely. But what he did is one of the few things that are punished by death. And the outcome is not normally nausea and fear but something between severe psychosis and absolute destruction of the very soul.' He paused, clearly weighing his words very carefully. 'These pictures did not come out of nowhere.' It wasn't a question, and knowing Spock, there was no point denying that.

'No, Spock.' Just one more reason to get the hell out. He glared at the Vulcan. He had considered letting him know, but in the end, he had found a relationship between two males must be deemed highly illogical by Vulcans since it couldn't lead to reproduction. 'I have thought of you in a highly inappropriate manner. This is my punishment for those thoughts, then?'

'No. It was the punishment for your resistance to the forced meld. You should not punish yourself more by leaving.'

'Spock, what you saw … and with that knowledge, the knowledge that I did fantasise about you naked, inside me or underneath me … Or do I have to get emotional to crack that façade of yours? Do I have to say that I want nothing more than to hold you in my arms at night? That I … I loved you? That I wondered what it would be like to … live with you, until I die. Do you get now what this did to me? I could ignore all this, but I can't any more, and what's worse, he turned my little dream world into something dirty and obnoxious. I've got to get as far away from you as I can. This isn't healthy.'

'No, Doctor McCoy. But I reiterate, you should not leave.' Leonard raised his arms in defiance.

'I'm leaving, Spock. End of story.' The Vulcan allowed himself a tiny sigh.

'That is … regrettable. It is also regrettable that I knew nothing of this before. Were you bonded to me, this could not have happened. I would never have allowed you to be assaulted in that manner.' With that, he walked out, leaving a shell-shocked surgeon behind. A day later, Leonard contacted Starfleet command, but not because he asked for a transfer. Instead, he gave them a report of what had happened and requested counselling. They were not happy at first, but when he said he didn't need a leave, just someone to talk to, they sent a first-rate psychotherapist who lacked nothing but experience in space, informing Captain Kirk that she should remain until she had her space legs.

ϡ

_He walked out of the transporter room with a glare at Spock. 'Took you too damn long for my taste.' He needed a drink. Badly. He couldn't tell when he'd had the last one, and that was never good._

_The chime at the door to his sickbay woke him. 'The doctor is out,' he said, his speech slurred. Even he heard it this time, and he laughed._

'_Open, McCoy. You do not want me to use my override.'_

'_Do what you must, son of a bitch.' A voice in his head said that this hadn't been wise, but he was beyond self-monitoring. The Vulcan before his door, of course, did as he had threatened. Leonard swallowed his fear of the tall creature prowling towards him, disgust written plainly on his features._

'_I always wanted to know why a sadistic little human like you would want to be a doctor.' Memories blinked into his consciousness. Memories of another man who had genuinely wanted to heal. A man who had been amongst the first casualties on the vessel. He had died and his corpse had spawned a sick man who enjoyed others' pain, numbing his own any way he had. 'Tell me.'_

'_Why?'_

'_I shall hurt you.' Leonard snorted._

'_See if I care.' He spread his arms. 'Go on, strike me down.' A slow frown formed on the Vulcan's face._

'_I wonder.'_

'_At what?'_

'_Maybe there is something of him in you. The other McCoy. The visitor.'_

'_They were all weak, Spock. If you admire them, so are you.' The Vulcan walked to the door and locked it._

'_I disagree. Answer my question.'_

'_I am a doctor because it gives me access to all the nice little things I can play with here.' Spock raised an eyebrow._

'_I think you lie.' He looked at the almost empty bottle of brandy on McCoy's desk. 'You are a puny creature, frail of mind and body. The other had a kind of strength I never found in a human before. He refused to share his mind with me. I expected no resistance, as with you, but he fought so hard I nearly destroyed him out of anger. I am relieved that I did not. Now I wonder if you have, over the years, successfully ruined your potential.' Leonard grinned, grabbed the bottle and raised it._

'_Here's to that.' He drained the remainder of the burning liquid and smacked his lips. Spock looked utterly disgusted._

'_He had interesting thoughts about my person. I wonder if you have them, too. There was a time when I thought you would fight Captain Kirk, I read your mind, found that you were too weak, and never thought about it again.' Spock placed his hands on McCoy's desk and leaned down, staring into his eyes from above. 'Do you want him gone?' Fear washed over Leonard, making him break into a cold sweat._

'_No. No, I would never.'_

'_Doctor. If I get rid of him, will you fight me?' Leonard's jaw dropped._

'_You want to … since when?'_

'_Our visitors come from a world that is enviable. I wish to live in a world that is more like theirs. If I want that, I have to take responsibility. I have to kill Kirk and assume command. But I need an ally, and not just a little yeoman. I need someone with at least a semblance of power. You do hold lives in your feeble hands.' The Vulcan walked around the desk so fast Leonard was hardly able to follow with his eyes. Hands grabbed his shoulders in a steel grip that he knew would leave dark bruises. 'You must decide what you want to be. A healer or a torturer. If it is to be the latter, drink until your brain turns to jelly and cling on to your foolish loyalty to an empire that has given you nothing. If it is to be the former, you must still inflict pain, but it will have a purpose. Maybe you can heal everything that is wrong with this world. Which is it to be?' Leonard tried to turn away, but Spock shook him. Hard. 'Answer me!'_

'_I don't trust you. You're too deep inside Kirk's arsehole to …' The back of Spock's hand smacked into his cheek, sending him flying. 'And you wonder why I refuse,' Leonard grated from the floor. How he managed to be insolent, locked into a room with Spock and no help in sight, Leonard wasn't certain._

'_You will not speak to me like this again. I warn you. As the Captain's pet you are of little use to me. I shall not kill you, but I shall not protect you either. It will only be a matter of time.' He made to leave, and Leonard scrambled back to his feet._

'_Wait.' He dropped his voice. 'I really don't care any more, it seems, or I wouldn't ask this, but … do you mean that? You want the Enterprise, you want to … what? Add compassion to the Empire? I warn you, too: You'll die. Keep your head down and live.' Spock pursed his lips._

'_I plan to change the status quo or escape. But I am not certain that I can do it alone. I shall, however try.' He shook his head. 'I am not attempting to lure you into a trap.'_

'_Well, if you are, you caught me. What do you want me to do?' Spock strode back towards him, and he flinched. But this time, the Vulcan didn't strike him. His voice was very low, but McCoy memorised every word._

'_I want you to quit destroying yourself. You need your mind. In plain terms, no more drinking, even if it is difficult. I can help you with that if you need it. All you have to do is ask. I shall not think less of you for requiring aid, but I shall for failure. I want you to follow my orders, not because it gives me lowly pleasure, but because I know what to do. I shall not tell you everything, because information can be taken from you unless certain measures are taken. You will need to have faith, even if it is illogical. I shall not, of course, lie. And I want you to be honest with me, no matter what I ask, no matter if you wish to speak or not. Can you do all that?' And here he stood, feeling ever bit as puny as Spock had said he was. He glanced at the empty bottle and for the first time admitted to himself that he didn't only like the numb feeling of being drunk, but that he needed it._

'_I don't know,' he said, sounding like a child. 'I'm too weak, Spock.' This time, when the Vulcan reached for him, it was almost gentle._

'_Perhaps at first. But you will get stronger. I know your potential. I require your word.' Leonard forced himself to look at Spock, something he usually avoided. He always feared he'd transmit his feelings through his eyes._

'_You have it,' he heard himself say. 'I'll help.'_

'_Then start now. I have seen things in the visitor's mind. Thoughts he had of me.' Leonard flushed, and Spock looked too satisfied for comfort. 'I see. A drunken yea-sayer has no value to me in my endeavours and in my life. A sober, strong mind is a different matter entirely. If that is ever something you can offer, Doctor, we can see if there are … options.'_

* * *

_((A few things … The idea of a sado-masochistic (spell-checking is in all honesty recommending soda-masochistic … head → desk) mirror universe where everyone uses sex to exert power is very odd to me, and that's obviously not a way I'm going. Another thing I don't like is that some people are being hell-bent of turning McCoy – prime universe McCoy – into a drunkard. I'm quite sure that wouldn't be tolerated, and I don't see that in his personality either. He's way too level-headed. Yes, I said that. I know drinkers, one who managed to pull himself out of the muck by his own hair, more who died. None of them were anywhere near as balanced._

_There's a Harry Potter quote in there, albeit an inconspicuous one._

_I'll keep doing it this way: Showing everything in both universes.))_


	2. Chapter 2

Every bone in his body was hurting. He may no longer be in danger, but he felt as if he had been struck by lightning. Although that might be more pleasant than what had been done to him.

It didn't matter. Gem was allowed to live, the rest was neither here nor there. Just to be safe, Leonard dropped onto a biobed and took his own readings. No, no lasting damage. The aching would subside. Actually it felt more like remembered pain already. He had to get a grip. The door to sickbay opened and closed. He turned and faced Spock. The Vulcan stood with his hands behind his back, not saying a word, waiting for Leonard to say something. 'Hello,' he said uselessly. 'Just wanted to check I wasn't bleeding internally because they overlooked something.' An eyebrow travelled upwards. 'No, nothing. Thanks for asking.' He shook his head and turned away. Leonard had no idea where he stood with Spock. All that time ago, he had thought what the Vulcan had meant was that he, too was interested in him, but he had never made a move. How should Leonard do that, then, without risking making a complete fool of himself? Now, in the hands of the Vians, Spock had been so gentle with him, so caring, he had thought it meant something. Of course he was dying then and he regretted that this had never happened before. Now he was well and Spock was distant. Again.

'Doctor McCoy.' He turned slowly and managed a smile.

'Yes, Mr Spock.' Then he realised what it was. Human medicine made Spock sick, and he had given him a hypospray. 'Oh, it's the sedative. Sure, I'll …'

'That is not why I am here. The adverse events have subsided.' He frowned slightly. 'I felt the illogical compulsion to make certain that you were, in fact, alive and well.' Leonard approached the Vulcan, stepping into his personal space.

'I'm all right, Spock. No lasting damage, nothing.' Spock's expression flickered for a moment, some emotion threatening to surface.

'I had to admit that I feel for you.' Leonard nodded.

'I heard what you said. It means a lot to me, Spock.' Strong hands took his shoulders, their touch so gentle. It was now or never. Leonard stepped closer still and put both arms around Spock. For a moment, the Vulcan froze, and he almost let go, but then he was squeezed against a taut chest, tightly but not hard enough to hurt. He knew how strong this man was. He could crush the life out of him like this. Leonard's own hold on Spock grew tighter, his heart racing. He was afraid of what he would see in Spock's face when he pulled back, but after a while he had to because the Vulcan had released him. All but shaking, he looked at the man he had loved for so long, and what he saw nearly made him faint. Raw need was etched into the usually controlled face. A need for closeness, for friendship, and for love. And there was uncertainty.

'You have been hurt.' Leonard shrugged.

'Yes. And I've been healed.' He reached out, tracing Spock's jawline with his knuckles.

'I do not mean the Vians. I mean your soul. You have been forsaken and for all intents and purposes you have been raped. You will never trust me as you would have to.' Leonard listened into himself. He listened hard. He knew that Vulcans mated for life, and he was quite positive that this was what Spock was speaking about: He couldn't use him to find comfort. The expression on his friend's face had changed. The need was under a lid, and if he didn't speak now, the moment would pass.

'Spock … Jocelyn hurt me, yes, but you're not her. Vulcans don't leave their partners for someone else. And that other thing … You're the one who helped me get past that, and even if I never told anyone I did take counselling as well. I don't have nightmares, and I don't think of it. That he looked like you … I don't see him now. I see you.' He swallowed. 'I told you then that I loved you. I still do. I'm a very faithful man. I don't fall in love easily, and it seems I don't fall out of it either, even if it's unrequited.' Spock wasn't moving, his face still impassive, and Leonard started to feel a sense of futility. 'Damn you, stubborn arse Vulcan. Quit teasing me. Make up your mind, now. Because I swear, I'll never again embarrass myself in front of you, even if you were to dance naked before me.' He kept staring for a full five seconds before he turned away, flushed crimson. He felt himself grabbed and spun back around. Intense, dark eyes bored into his, and for a moment fear threatened to take him after all. Then unexpectedly soft lips touched his, tentative, careful, nervous. His eyes closed and he embraced the other man again, kissing him back with all he had to give.

A slick tongue swished over his lips, and he opened them, allowing Spock to explore him. When they broke apart they were both panting. 'You are certain?' All Leonard managed was a nod, but it was enough. Spock's entire body pressed into his, and he felt his arousal against his belly. Leonard ground against him, hard himself, desiring nothing more than to see that beautiful being stripped bare. His hands unsteady with need, he tugged Spock's shirt and undershirt up together, revealing a strong, furred chest. Spock pulled the garments over his head, folded them neatly and placed them on the desk. 'Privacy lock?' he asked. That he didn't speak in full sentences was more than significant. Leonard nodded, rushed to the door and did as the Vulcan had suggested. When he turned back around he found that Spock had used the few moments to take off his remaining clothes, standing before him stark naked and absolutely unselfconscious. Leonard licked his lips and approached. Before he could say or do anything, Spock had reached out and started stripping him effectively, looking at him with the same scientific interest he had in all things. He memorised everything he saw, every square centimetre of Leonard's body, taking note of every texture and every reaction he drew when he touched. Leonard had always doubted that Spock would be a good lover outside his dreams, but now he wondered if that hadn't been very wrong. He realised that he would know. Soon.

He felt Spock's eyes on him and noticed that he had just stood there and let himself be stripped. 'Are you having second thoughts?' Leonard smiled at the worry on Spock's face.

'No, quite the contrary. I wondered what it will be like to make love to you.' The Vulcan stepped closer, their groins pressed together. A flare of pleasure went through his body.

'Would you like to find out?' Leonard swallowed.

'I always thought of our first time as something romantic, someplace with candles and a feather bed, not my sickbay.' He kissed Spock and whispered against his lips when he continued. 'But this is more beautiful than anything I could have dreamed because it's real. I'll still want that feather bed and candles bit, but I can't wait for that.' Spock's hands travelled down his back and to his thighs.

'Hold on to me.' Locking eyes with his Vulcan, he did, and was lifted with ease. His back made contact with a wall, Spock kissed him again, and ground into him, slowly, gently. He moved against him as best he could in this position, moaning uncontrollably. He locked his legs behind Spock's back and held on for dear life, almost drowning in the pleasure of their encounter. Spock was cooler than him, but it wasn't unpleasant, quite the contrary. He smiled at the thought that to Spock, his own warmth must feel quite delightful in turn. 'Correct,' the Vulcan said, and Leonard looked at him. 'We are close enough for me to feel your mind. If that upsets you, I shall shield.'

'Don't do that. Just seems unfair that I can't do the same.' Spock halted his movements.

'Do you wish to?' Leonard nodded, and Spock set him down. Fingertips ghosted over his face, only for a moment. 'Before we climax I will have to break this connection.'

'Why?'

'Because with it in place, we would be bonded.'

'Understood.' Leonard wasn't going to argue with the Vulcan. Not now. This was something they could talk about later. He dropped to his knees and looked at the alien's sex. It was green, which he had known. He had seen every part of Spock's body during physicals, but then he had been flaccid, his penis retracted almost entirely into his body and the testicles hardly visible. Now they were two engorged lumps behind the rigid member, elongated to somewhat beyond human average but not frighteningly large. The tip was hardly wider than the shaft.

'Are you circumcised?' Leonard asked and wanted to slap himself at once. Not a very romantic thing to ask.

'We do not need a foreskin.' Of course they didn't, if it retracted. Or maybe what would be the foreskin was what he had seen when Spock was flaccid, and it was just enough tissue for that, while when erect he looked circumcised because the skin was stretched. Leonard quietly cursed himself for being unable to stop being a doctor even now. This wasn't the time for Vulcan sex ed.

'Stupid question,' he muttered and deemed his scrutiny finished. Looking up at Spock, he placed a moist kiss against the tip. 'Do you trust me?' The Vulcan nodded and closed his eyes when Leonard took him into his mouth. A hand ran through his hair as he licked and sucked on Spock. Pressing his tongue against the underside of his erection, he could feel the pulse, now quicker even than usually. With a soft moan, Spock interrupted him and sank to the floor. He lay down, and Leonard knew what he wanted. He wouldn't push him. That, too, came across clear as daylight through the Vulcan's mind. Leonard was on his back, the Vulcan above him, his sex before his face. Leonard took hold of his hips and raised his head to suck him back into his mouth. At the same time, he felt Spock's lips engulfing him. Vulcans might be cooler than humans, but his mouth was as warm as you could ask for. He closed his eyes, enjoying that he felt his own pleasure as well as that of his lover. And he got his answer: Spock was a wonderful lover. He knew what touch would bring Leonard pleasure before even he knew it. He flicked his tongue over the frenulum, causing his hips to buck. He was close, so close, and so was Spock he believed. The Vulcan, of course, knew that, too, and ceased after a short kiss to the tip of Leonard's sex, moist with saliva and pre-ejaculate, before he turned to face him. He reached for Leonard's face, but he shook his head and caught Spock's wrist. 'I don't think so,' he said softly. He pushed Spock to his back, knowing full well that he had nowhere near the Vulcan's strength if he chose to fight. Smiling, he took his other hand and straddled him, interlocking their fingers and placing their hands above Spock's shoulders.

'Leonard …' It was a mixture between a moan and a reprimand, but Spock made no attempt to escape. He thrust against the strong man beneath him. They were both slick enough for comfort, and Leonard felt his climax building. 'Leonard, do you know what you are doing?' He forced his eyes open and looked at Spock, yelling with his mind that, yes, he knew full well. When the Vulcan's face broke into a smile – the second he had seen on him in his life – it was all Leonard needed. He stilled, coming hard, and swept Spock with him.

ϡ

_Leonard swore when he stomped into sickbay. He grabbed the bottle of brandy he still kept there, opened it and was about to drink when he caught himself. 'No,' he said. 'No, you insipid little fuck. You're not giving in now. Not now!' He flung the bottle away and it crashed on the wall, spilling its contents on the floor. Spock very nearly stepped into it when he came in. 'No, I didn't,' he said in answer to Spock's questioning look._

_It had been one hell of a time. They had, so far, not had an opportunity to get rid of Kirk, but now it had been presented in the form of two very odd aliens. They had trapped a being that had used mental power to torment them, and somehow they had all landed in the middle of it. The mute female humanoid had killed Kirk with a touch, and he and Spock had only escaped due to the self-sacrifice of the two Vians. They had what they wanted, but it seemed cheap. 'You are troubled. Share with me.'_

'_I don't know why, it's stupid. I just … If we could have left him well and alive with the Vians I'd have been happier.'_

'_We attempted that. It did not work.' Spock looked down at him. 'Were you going to drink?'_

'_Yes and no. I almost did, but I can't ruin my success so far.' He smiled. 'I have something I'm fighting for, after all.'_

'_Do you need help?'_

'_Need it, no. But I'd appreciate it.' Spock's fingers were placed on the meld points as they had been so often since their talk right here, so long ago. The pressure, the desperation, the urge lifted._

'_It seems to be getting easier for you.' He nodded._

'_Much so. I sometimes feel a craving, but it's not that tough to fight. And when it does get tough, I know I can always come to you. That in itself is worth the world.' He swallowed. 'You've saved my life, you know. This would have killed me eventually.'_

'_You saved your own life by quitting. It was your choice, and ultimately your own strength that achieved it. I merely aid, but it is you who is strong enough to admit to needing that aid.' How a few words could lift him up from a bottomless pit eluded Leonard every time. He remembered the withdrawal as a nightmare. He hadn't thought it would be so bad, and the fact that it was almost a delirium tremens if he was honest with himself told him how far gone he had already been. He wouldn't have managed alone. He couldn't have. But Spock had been there, had talked to him through sleepless nights, had chased away the hallucinations, and held him during the few but horrible seizures. He had thought he would die. But he hadn't. And he had indeed never touched a drop of alcohol again, had kept one bottle of brandy more or less near as a reminder but hadn't touched it. He had considered getting rid of it, but that would have been suspicious. There was always booze around McCoy and everyone knew it. To tell the truth, he wondered why no-one had realised yet that he no longer smelled like a brewery. Probably because people who came here were too scared to notice pretty much anything._

'_Maybe, but without you, I wouldn't have.' Realising that he was being reckless, he placed a short chaste kiss on Spock's lips. 'Thank you.' He pulled away, but found himself in a firm grip. And then Spock's lips crashed into his, and he felt like he was falling. He had barely started to kiss back when the Vulcan withdrew, breathing hard and looking anywhere but at him. Leonard growled. 'Damn you, stubborn arse Vulcan. Quit teasing me. Make up your mind, now. Because I swear, I'll never again embarrass myself in front of you, even if you were to dance naked before me.' Spock's eyes were almost black with desire when he looked at him again._

'_You can never have another.'_

'_I know.'_

'_I will tie you to me. I will kill you if you cheat.'_

'_I will not cheat.'_

'_Nor will I.'_

'_What are you waiting for, then? How long do I have to prove myself?' Spock was on him an instant later, stripping them both __hastily but taking the time to place their clothes orderly on the side of Leonard's desk. By the time they were both naked, he was rock-hard, and so was Spock. The Vulcan grabbed him and sat him down on his desk, spreading his legs and looking intently at his opening. A finger probed him, and he managed to relax. He wasn't a virgin. 'The replicator can make lubricant.' Spock looked up at him from between his legs, and it was the most arousing thing Leonard had ever seen. His erection twitched. Ignoring his statement, Spock used saliva to prepare him before he rose again. He closed his hand around Leonard and leaned forward to kiss him hard on the mouth._

'_So can I,' he said belatedly. Leonard looked at Spock's sex, and saw that it was moist, apparently producing its own lubrication._

'_Fascinating. Fuck me, Spock.' The Vulcan nodded. There was a moment of sharp pain when Spock entered him, but soon it subsided to pleasure._

'_I will make you mine.' Spock announced. His fingers landed on his face, and for a moment he felt the not entirely unpleasant invasion. 'And I will be yours, Leonard.' He increased his pace, thrusting into Leonard with abandon. He grabbed his erection and stroked him hard and fast, creating almost too much friction. Spock was nudging his prostate with each thrust, bringing him close to the edge sooner than he wanted to. Vulcans were nothing if not efficient. 'Do you object?'_

'_What?'_

'_Do you object to being bonded to me?' He impaled himself on Spock even harder by means of an answer. The Vulcan got the none too subtle hint and kept going. A thumb pressed into his perineum, and while the medic inside him cringed at that, his body reacted and he climaxed violently. Spock's voice came through a haze. 'I will only do that in this position. I do not wish to be sprayed.' Leonard remained still when Spock withdrew, panting and trying to gather himself._

'_Just don't do it all the time.' He slid down from the desk. Semen leaked out of him and flowed down his thighs. Spock watched, mesmerised. He pulled him close and kissed him again, much more gently this time._

'_You are more than I expected, Leonard. And you mean more than you should.'_


	3. Chapter 3

_((Not a precise parallel this time, MU is about a year later. And I apologise in advance.))_

* * *

'You betrayed me,' Spock said completely out of nowhere. Leonard looked up from his computer.

'I did what?'

'You betrayed me, Leonard. Why?' He stared at Spock. He was about to answer when he felt the burning in his hands. He watched them going from normal to ruddy and started shaking.

'Spock, I assure you that I never did nor ever would.' Spock shook his head, rushed towards him and pulled him into an embrace.

'Now is not the time. This can wait.' Leonard nodded. 'Were you going to tell me?' He swallowed and shook his head.

'This is exactly the point. It would have been so easy to just … leave. I didn't want you to see me die.'

'We will find something.' Leonard was afraid. He wasn't going to deny it. He was scared out of his wits by this, had reacted with his arse rather than his brain and tried to flee from the situation. He had made things worse, of course, hurting Spock and their bond in the process, maybe beyond repair. 'Do you hear me? You will not die. I just know it. It is not logical, but it is true. And we will talk about this when you are safe.' Leonard swallowed past the lump in his throat.

'Are you going to leave me?' Spock looked at him, and his expression was hardly readable. Then it softened, and Leonard knew the truth before Spock said it.

'No. No, I will not leave you.' And that was when he couldn't hold back. He burst into tears, steadied only by the strong arms of his bondmate. Spock all but fled after that, he kept on trying to find a remedy, and Spock kept doing whatever it was he did. When he came back, he never said a word, busied himself at the computer, and emerged with a Fabrini medication that would heal him. He didn't mentioned them, Leonard's illness, or Natira again for decades.

ϡ

_Leonard's hands were red and swollen, the constant ringing in his ears wouldn't cease, he couldn't sleep, his head was constantly pounding, he was itching all over, and none of that was the real problem. The problem was that he couldn't move. The problem was that he couldn't say a coherent sentence. The problem was that he was on the floor and unable to walk anywhere._

_His thoughts moved to Spock, to the one man in this world who would actually care. He had been there for him this past few months, had tried to find a cure for this horrible disease. Of course, even together they had failed. Now Spock was down on a planet and when he came back, Leonard would be dead and gone. He focussed inwards, on the Vulcan in his mind. /Spock, it's over./_

_/No, we shall find a way./_

_/I have a stroke, and not a light one. By the time you're back, I'll be gone./_

_/I need you. In a few years, the fever will come back and I will need you./_

_/You will find someone./_

_/I already have. Leonard!/_

_/Stay with me, Spock. In your mind. Stay./_

_/I will. How long do you have?/_

_/I don't know. My body has shut down./_

_/I never told you./ It was very difficult to hear Spock, let alone talk._

_/Told me what?/_

_/How much I … Leonard!/ He tried to encourage the Vulcan to go on, but his thoughts were too feeble. He felt them trickle away into_


	4. Chapter 4

_((Warning: Very, very dark and quite non-consensual sex.))_

* * *

Leonard heard them. He heard Spock and that woman moaning, heard the sound of flesh slapping against flesh, and felt physically ill. He wanted to scream, cry, and run away all at once, and he didn't have the guts to do any of it. Their bond was frayed, and each time Spock fucked Zarabeth, it grew weaker. And Leonard's heart was bleeding to death.

This was it, then. Spock's revenge for Natira. But Leonard had never slept with her, and what with him growing weaker, he doubted he ever would have. Still, he felt guilty, which was why he didn't fight. Spock didn't even know what he was doing. All Leonard wanted to do was die, but the bloody Vulcan wouldn't let him, kept him alive and insisted he stay where it was warm. So he had to listen. Again, and again, and again, and he couldn't even hate the fool that followed the clamour of the Vulcan group mind, whispering to him that fucking a woman was better than a man, because that would create many more Vulcans. Only it probably wouldn't, because they might not be compatible. Tell that a Vulcan in heat, who ignored the existing bond because his damned nature forced him to do so in this frozen hell. Spock came to him stark naked, and Leonard turned away, pretending to be asleep. 'Doctor,' Spock said, and it was too much. He remembered all too well how Spock had been angry at him less than a day before, but he'd rather the man killed him than having to listen to them fucking one more time. He got up and rammed his fist into his gut, as hard as he could. He still couldn't bring himself to ram his knee into his unprotected groin, although he had planned to. Damn love.

'That's for calling **me** a cheat.' He turned away and waited for the blow. Instead, he heard … a sob? He spun and found Spock on his knees, offering one of Zarabeth's skinning knives.

'I … I do not know what is happening to me. I do not know … I should never … I am so …' He finished none of these sentences, and Leonard felt the anger drain, giving way to despair and weariness and a compassion he didn't want to feel. He took the knife and flung it out of harm's way.

'But I know, and I told you before. It's not you, nor me. Nor even her. It's this time. We need to try and get out. Spock. Look at me.' The Vulcan did as he was told, and Leonard had to swallow hard when he saw the tears. 'If I still mean anything to you at all, help me get out of here, come back with me to our time.'

'For what? I lost all that has meaning.' Leonard felt his own lip quiver.

'No. If you do as I keep begging, I swear I'll find a way to forgive you. It'll be the most difficult thing I've ever done, but I'll do it. Just stick with me.' And somehow, Spock did, and Leonard kept his promise.

ϡ

_Her body was pliable and soft and nothing like Leonard. He had come inside her arse eleven times in the past three days. She was bleeding when he fucked her, but he refused to take her vagina after trying that for the first time. Her back entrance was more akin to what he knew._

_Like this, he could imagine Leonard was caressing him. It was Leonard, who was moving against him while being taken – even if in her case it was more squirming than anything else. It was Leonard, tied to the bed but never out of control._

_The truth was more bitter. Zarabeth was not him She was raw from his assault on her body. She had consented to sex, but not to this, even if she thought so. He hadn't physically forced her, no. But he had placed a need in her mind, a need for him that was stronger than the physical pain she must feel when he took her. She screamed, and there was no pleasure. He left her when he knew that this time, she wouldn't wake from her unconsciousness. He felt guilt. He had never treated his Leonard like that. He had been rough sometimes, but never brutal, and occasionally, he had got as good as he gave. Leonard could be quite forceful, and Spock had enjoyed surrendering control on one occasion or the other. But Leonard was gone, and so was his control. This woman wasn't a good person, she was a brutal killer. But no one deserved to die like that. Not even her._


	5. Chapter 5

_((Later, after the five year mission. Seven years after Amok Time … is that enough said? Again, this is quite dark.))_

* * *

'Lenkam!' The shout woke him from deep sleep like a bucket of cold water. 'Leonard, Lenkam, Ashayam.' He jumped from the sofa he had fallen asleep on and raced to the bed holding a fevered, suffering Vulcan.

'Hush, Spock, hush, I'm here. I'm sorry, fell asleep there in the … oh well.' Strong arms had wrapped around him and pulled him on top of the other man, who held him tight and placed feather-light kisses all over his face. A stream of quick, consonant-heavy Vulcan emerged from him, and Leonard laughed. 'If you want me to actually get what you're saying, it's got to be English.

'I need you.' Leonard smiled.

'I gathered that.' He kissed him and pulled away the blanked, ready to lower himself onto Spock's erection, but the Vulcan stopped him. The need cleared a little from his face.

'No, you are already aching. Take me, Leonard.' He nodded. It wouldn't be a first, they both enjoyed this either way, but for the first two days of Spock's pon farr there had been no question of who took whom. Spock needed him to spread his legs for him, so that was what he did. It was intense – in a good way –, and he wasn't hurt, but he would have to lie if he said he wasn't relieved. As intimate and wonderful as it had been, it was about time life returned to normality. Sex with Spock hadn't lost its appeal in all this time, that wasn't it, but he was getting very exhausted, and it was starting to get difficult to keep his water balance at something he could deem reasonable.

Spock had never needed much preparation, and the thought of being in control again went right to Leonard's groin. One would think that by now he wouldn't be able to reciprocate, that he wouldn't get aroused just from thinking of sex with this wonderful being, but his parasympathetic nervous system begged to differ. He was hard, and he wanted the man on the bed. Badly.

Leonard kissed Spock, and when his Vulcan returned the kiss, it didn't feel frenzied as it had before. It was slow and sultry and warm, and Leonard moaned softly into his bondmate's mouth. Reaching down, he positioned himself and started exerting some minor pressure.

Bit by bit, with every small movement of his hips, Leonard slipped inside. He was greeted by the Vulcan self-lubrication that went both ways: their anal channel did that little trick, too. Slowly he buried himself inside Spock until his testicles were pressed against Spock's buttocks. He started moving with their foreheads pressed together. Spock was a quiet lover at normal times, but now he moaned loudly at each thrust. Cool hands travelled down Leonard's body to cup his buttocks, encouraging his movement. He increased his speed until Spock, with a low groan, stopped him, pushing lightly against his chest. Leonard moved away enough to let his man move and found him on his knees with his butt high in the air a moment later. Spock even reached up to spread his cheeks, presenting his opening to Leonard. He smiled and decided to tease. He placed a kiss on both cheeks before he licked his way from the base of Spock's penis to the anus and over it. He went as far as thrusting his tongue into the ring of muscles. When Spock was writhing enough to make him feel guilty, Leonard stopped and entered him again. He watched his sex disappearing inside Spock again and again and felt himself approaching climax.

/Leonard. Leonard, I love you./ He smiled, and even though the Vulcan couldn't see it, he felt it.

/And I you, beautiful. Forever./

/Even after the last few days?/

/Know what forever means, Spock? Never lose you./ He reached around Spock and had barely touched his erection when he felt his muscles squeeze spasmodically. He closed his eyes and kept thrusting until he came inside Spock, then he collapsed on the bed next to him.

'Leonard, I will never deserve you.' Spent and tired, Leonard flung an arm and a leg around Spock.

'Yes, you do. You're beautiful. Inside and out. You've never let me down, no don't argue. You've never let me down if you had any say in the matter. You give me so much. Stop thanking me for what goes without saying.' A rare smile formed on the beloved face, and Leonard drifted into sleep with that sight burned into his eyes. He was a lucky man.

ϡ

_He could have found help. There were planets that offered their services for this kind of problem and there was Vulcan where he could have found a fresh bondmate. Spock had done neither. He had never managed to get over what he had done to the poor unsuspecting woman in the past (who had murdered people before and only failed to murder him because he was faster, a voice that sounded a lot like Leonard pointed out) or over what he had lost._

_His erection was painful and refused to go away. Closing his eyes, Spock reached down, scratching up his length. He remembered how Leonard had touched him, licked him, and tried to reproduce the feeling. He started stroking himself slowly, even if he knew it was to no avail._

_There was a chime at his door, but Spock ignored it. Leonard was making love to him. Leonard was pumping away with his hand, the other caressing his chest, making his nipples hard with desire. Leonard was … sitting right there at the side of his bed. 'Spock, stop that.' He ignored him, looked away to the other side. Leonard was there, too. 'You know this won't do.'_

'_Yes,' he said, knowing no-one was there. Not even at his door, because they hadn't tried to ring again._

'_Spock, come with me.' He saw Leonard rise, offering his hand as if to guide him somewhere. 'Come on. Let go.' And he did. What he felt wasn't climax but something different entirely. It was quite painful for a few moments, but that didn't matter. Because even now he had let go, Leonard was still here. He always would be._


End file.
